open heart gang

If I were to start a gang this would be exactly it! We would talk about our feelings, make pretty things and hype people up. That's it! Living wholeheardtly whilst being here on earth is essential to our survival and our chances of actually enjoying our lives. I have never been closed hearted or minded but there were certain things I would hold back from: Like saying no, speaking up and liking myself openly. I don't know why but the ongoing trend of self-deprecating humour or deflecting compliments continues to be in fashion. You can like yourself but others can't know you like yourself because WHO THE HELL ARE YOU to like yourself??? It's like you have to have a reason to be okay with yourself, or the face to match your confidence level. You can't just be you but have to provide proof that you deserve to take up space. I had to make sure everyone was okay with my hair, how I speak, how I dress and how loudly I express that acceptance. So obviously this mindset didn't set me up to feel good in my femininity (and how I express it), my sexuality, my unapologetic self-expression, my natural hair, my voice, my opinions and other things that are important to me. Basically the big things that make me who I am. One thing I knew is I didn't want to have secrets. I've seen kids that had a ridiculous amount of secrets from their parents, from their friends, from their partner, from one side of the family or the other. I once knew someone who would take out their earrings when with certain people, would pretend to not know me in different circles (although their friends would still stop to say hi..) and their parents never knew they started dating! *Firstly, I have a rule that if my parents don't even know you exist nor have never seen you, the relationship doesn't exist, sorry not sorry. So it's odd for me to even think about harbouring that many secrets about my love life, my appearance and my social circles.

I have three major secrets. Three. Well technically I had three secrets in total. I've told certain people what they are and not told them who else knows and to not talk about it unless I bring it up. And no I will not tell you them, haven't I already told you enough??? But I will tell you this; it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter the grandeur of my secrets but my relationship with them. I have no shame when it comes to them. They do not control me or keep me up in the middle of the night. There isn't an embarrassing moment that scares me like it was yesterday not even accidentally farting in front of a friend of mine...opps don't tell anyone or tell everyone idc. I have let go of all these moments that have made me want to shrink myself...disappear....evaporate. I took every moment that I stayed quiet, gave in and even been a renowned pushover and let it slip right through my fingers. I'm not humiliated by them, overcompensating for them or afraid of history repeating itself. It's gone. I opened my heart and it's gone.

Yeah I said "opening my heart", that's what happens when I spent the last week on Disney+. But I mean it, when you are afraid of being hurt, you are playing defence and when you make time to heal your heart, you are no longer playing this game. You are now observant. I don't know much about sports but I guess you would be the umpire, or the crowd or the people getting lit in the box seats?? I don't know what the heck I'm talking about but we are no longer living our lives using our past and lowest selves as a compass. Our lowest selves are the versions of ourselves that are closed off, doubtful, depressed, jealous, confused, harbouring negative beliefs and thoughts about ourselves, others and the universe. Our higher selves are the versions of our selves that we wish for every new years and post breakup. She is strong, hopeful, helpful, loving, open, available, trusting, forgiving and bright.

One thing that people don't understand is that being mean and nasty is soo easy to do, it takes very little thinking and effort. We aren't born good, in my opinion, it's something we're taught and practice. Without those rules and punishments I would most likely rob restaurants, drive through red lights and not care about your feelings. But still I'm going with option 2. Gossiping, comparison and being spiteful of the universe only takes you so far till you're wallowing in your misery. I would like to be happy please. I would like to enjoy my life. I would like to be fully myself in each and every moment. That requires speaking your truth despite rejection, being open hearted despite ridicule and not giving a... you know. If I want to be happy and enjoy myself here with my limited time, I have to heal, forgive and open my heart. That's the cycle folks! That's the rollercoaster you have to agree to embark. That's the gang you have to join. It's funny how "open heart gang" doesn't sound frightful at all; like we spend our days picking up trash in the local park or braiding each others' hair but notice how reluctant we are to open our hearts on a daily basis?? Notice how scary it is to volunteer for something, say "I love you" or that you absolutely hate something. Notice how we get tense, run or suppress those feelings and moments. Notice how we close our hearts...

To feel all those things rise up in you and not run but sit with it is brave. To welcome it, give it a cup a cup of tea and ask it a couple questions is brave...

"Why can't I do this?"

"Because you failed 5 years ago, remember?"

"But what if I don't?"

"We can't take that chance."

"What if we were to try again, What if we tried like we never failed?"

"I don't understand the question"

Let your lower and higher self tussle it out and get to the root reason of the gates of your heart closing. Is it shame, guilt, failure, ridicule or unworthiness? What makes you get tense and run away from living wholeheartedly? What makes you continuously choose fear over love and not the other way around? What makes you hate on people who have joined the gang and are happier than they've ever been? Open yourself up to the answers that arise, make room for it and write it down.

Be gentle with yourself this week,

I love you