managing my emotions

I have trouble managing my emotions. The main reason for this is the fact that emotions aren't meant to be controlled or suppressed but expressed, says my therapist. But suppressing emotions has become a habitual way to give and receive love. I personally don't want to be perceived as "doing too much" or "being too much"; So we compartmentalize and minimize the range of emotions. We make anger, disgust and judgement our main go-to emotions and mask our sadness, openness and doubt or vis versa. We present to the world our love, laughter and vulnerability but never showing our anger, disapproval and rage. I, for one, am the second option more than the first. If you were to ask my family and friends what makes me tick, those who know me well will say injustice and hypocrisy and those who know me less well would say nothing at all.

I have gotten good at believing and living in the good girl complex, as I would like to call it. This is where my personality, acceptance and safety belonged. From early on I had understood that being quiet was being nice and being nice was desirable and respectable. I never really talked in elementary school and opened up a little more in highschool. One thing I am realizing more and more is I have ALOT to say and it's soo funny now how I kept quiet about alot of the things and people I didn't like... And it's not always easy and sometimes I do feel guilty for having my opinions, not caring about others as much as my old self would have and giving up on friendships that don't make room for who I actually am and not what people think I am.

I understand that I have made this whole character of who I am. I understand that people expect and accept that. But I have to grow up. One thing I noticed when growing up and growing out of my old self is that certain people don't like that. I could be doing the exact same thing as the person next to me but be shamed into going back into my "good girl box". It's like everyone around me can move on and I just have to stay (good and play dumb). This toxic control (from family, friends and literally male acquaintances) is what has led me to not wholeheartedly express my emotions such as anger. Anger is such a foreign emotion. Anger makes me anxious, my face really hot and I just end up crying. I find it interesting that a person like me who has ALOT to be angry about can't even process the emotion in a healthy manner???

Meditation helps. When I sit there and welcome all my emotions as they rise up I feel calm without convincing myself out of my anger or negative emotions. I tell myself that if "I can express joy and sadness then I can learn to make room for healthy anger". I hope you take time to analyze your emotions and ask yourself if you are processing in a healthy or unhealthy manner.

Take care loves,

-@simplybusimee