I hate it here...what else is new?
It's been awhile since I've done a stream of consciousness type of blog post. But I'm feeling anxy this Monday so here it is...
I have not posted on here in over a month same goes with my podcast. That's no secret. I let Monday after Monday pass and didn't speak a word nor did I feel bad about it. It's as if I moved on. Most things that interested me to the point of making up my identity have become difficult to do. Yoga, reading, journalling and content creating are things that have stopped sparking joy. This is different from when I lost interest because I was ultra depressed and too numb to like or hate anything. I have to admit that I was a little panicked that I didn't need my morning routine and hobbies to keep me sane as much. I was worried that if I don't get back on track as soon as possible, I'll start slowly sinking back into my depression. So I counted down and tried to force myself to get up, to workout, to upload something..anything. But I don't want to. I'm not sure if this is a sign to give up or a sign to try harder than I ever have. The people I brought this concern up to (including my therapist) told me that things change, that I don't always have to be doing something and I'm trying to buy into this. Not working makes me anxious. Not recording, editing, moving my body makes me feel anxious, empty and frankly like a waste of space left behind by everyone. I know that that's harsh but that's what came up when I started asking myself the important questions. Even this whole post I'm writing in hopes of being a productive happy pilates queen is adding to the problem. According to all my spiritual inner work and therapy, I am supposed to be observant of everything I am feeling and thinking. The more I try to make it work, the more it falls apart. But I also worry that my self-discipline is crippling before my very eyes. Force or the path of least existence? What am I supposed to be doing right now?? What is everyone else doing?? What I know for sure is that there is no point in wishing to be somewhere else if I refuse to move from here and that if I'm going to "take it easy", there is no point in feeling shame, guilt, worry or comparison. Productivity feels good when you have it and shitty when you don't. I just have to be okay with not having it all the time.