being present when I don't want to exist

is sitting in the humidity of the middle of the day when I would rather go to bed...again

finding stillness when my hands are shaking

being present when I don't want to know the truth

being present with what I don't want to hear

being graceful when I'm angry

being restless when all I want is rest

convincing myself I don't love you just to surrender again

it's moving as much as I can so I don't have time to sink in the quicksand that is my life

ironically, the more you squirm in quicksand the faster it swallows you up...

when I stop moving I'll realize that nothing is as it seems

the light hits differently and the angles are not the same when I slow down

me in slow motion gives you enough time to see everything that you hate and never even realized were right there

when I move in slow motion, I am different than you remember me

then again you don't really know me

you have always had an idea, one side, one angle

this is me present

this is me alone

this is me processing

if I were moving at normal pace I wouldn't see how awful everything truly is

if this is your time to get zen, great

I was already in love with my life

this time puts my insecurities in overdrive and I am taking everything apart looking for something

I am dissecting myself looking for something more...

"this can't possibly be it?"

I don't want to exist "this way"

so average, so sad, so redundant

I'm stuck with everything I don't like about myself

I'm trying to exist with a version of myself I find exhausting and weak

I am desperately trying to be one with a version of myself I thought died a tragically beautiful death

I am desperately trying to be one with a version of myself I wish didn't exist...