self-diagnosis

my anxiety feels like my sleep paralysis

I wake up and I can’t move. a movie of all my worst fears rolls and credits of what he did 6 years ago is my cup of coffee.

a lay there in the afternoon sun the same way I fell asleep, pressure on my neck, chest and wrists.

a panic attack feels like my upper half is running from something, my legs are in water and my fingertips are numb

a panic attack feels like before swimming lessons when my mother would drop me off in my multicolor cross back swimsuit and would advise me not to drown

Now all I think about it drowning

That’s what waiting for your next panic attack feels like

It’s avoiding swimming class so you don’t go under

It’s not answering the phone, or not trying to not anger the beast

It’s staying at home, keeping away from the windows and our arms and legs in the vehicle at all times to not risk it

To not lose your footing around the pool

so you don’t go to the pool

you choose to hate swimming and to hate yourself for hating swimming

my ptsd smells like blood at the bottom of the stairs

It’s a ghost by the window of the dining room where his hospital bed was

It’s anytime I see someone from highschool who claims it was the best years of our lives

when anyone throws their arm over my shoulder like they’re an imported coat and I, a thrifted coat hanger

my depression is a trickster. I don’t know you or myself. What was good is now bad and what was bad is my everything. my depression tells me we choose this and then blames me for the 4 months we lost staring at a wall. my depression is a shapeshifter. we work together only for it to call the shoots. And when it does I surrender because it has a gun

my hysteria is the pitter patter of rain as the sun is rising and I still haven’t slept yet

It’s laughing the loudest and the longest at something mildly hilarious

It’s crying without any tears

It’s sitting in a car with you as the sun is setting without saying anything because something tells me this is as beautiful as we are going to be and I want to enjoy this orange and pink summer sky and this music without talking

OCD is not being able to go to bed without going through scenarios of the worst things he could do to me if I ever saw him or told anyone... Just to be prepared

My impulse control issue is always fighting the urge to shave my head and restart

My personality disorder is that I look okay. I don’t look like someone that’s struggling, drowning. I look like sunshine and sound like sunday morning hymns I wouldn’t

Bipolar disorder is telling you how much I miss you and want to catch up with and waking up to cancel and doing so a couple more times making you now question our friendship whilst I suddenly can’t get out of bed.

my psychotic disorder is an extreme case of deja vu. I’ll question if something was real or a nightmare. "If I pinch myself will I wake in my bed or somewhere else???"

my phobia is anger. I don’t like it. I don’t know it. i’ m not allowed to hate it. It makes me hot and itchy and uncomfortable. And it always makes me cry

my eating disorder is 2am grilled sandwiches, dark chocolate, 3 dinners and always feeling hollow

my sleep disorder is me writing this at 4:46am

to scared to fall asleep

my pain is invisible

my drug is my thoughts

my thoughts are toxic

my panic is inevitable

My self diagnosis is inconclusive