how are you doing?

I’m not okay

my blessing and my curse is that I apparently look okay

I pass as someone who has it together

And I don’t.

I don’t underplay things or code switch around people

its not my fault my anxiety doesn’t like visitors and quietly waits til your phone rings and you have to leave to reappear

so you never know unless I tell you

and even when I tell you I can never prove it to you

I can’t show you my magic tricks and their secrets

They are under this plastered cookie cutter smile, sunday dress and decent advice

It comes out as sunshine, and rainbows and normalcy

Everything that isn’t okay manifests as okay

I don’t know how to show you that the "girl in the corner in all black and a long sleeve" that you’re waiting for is me

We’re different sides of the same coin

Cut from the same tear soaked cloths

and all the gratitude journals, and yoga and matcha lattes doesn’t patch it up

I can’t inhale exhale myself into my right mind

I can’t write all night until I find a solution

but I will because these are the only ways I find peace and am interrupted by voices that remind me that i’m drowning again

I’m not okay

And i’m way too exhausted and occupied with myself to prove it to you