the inevitable

"routine" might be an inconvenience to some

it might make you nervous, frustrated and anxious

to leave the house and pretend you care.

I can’t lie, that’s me most of the time.

I try not to retreat to my bed

Because when I do I feel disgusting.

I hate myself for it.

But I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that leaving the house wasn't my crutch,

having to be somewhere at a set time each day forced me to put in some effort

forced me to pretend til I really felt it

over time it gave me the confidence to pace the halls for only 5 laps on the 4th floor of the English department before entering the class and not walking away altogether

it keeps me from waking up at 4pm and going to bed at 6am

it keeps me from feeling bad about myself;

It keeps me from being alone with everything;

it keeps me from hating myself;

and this was inevitable.

to feel sad and alone

to feel anxious then hyperactive then motivated then dead inside

it was inevitable because this is the cycle

this is how I am or have gotten

this is what I do

this is what I expect after a couple good weeks

the lows.

It waits and then it inevitably makes itself comfortable above everything else

above school, and ease and peace of mind.

I cry at the same songs, memories and people that made me happy and whole just a couple nights before

give a second chance to everything I hate and everyone that hates me...

why am I more open than ever?

why am I waiting for certain people to check on me?

why am I waiting for you to call? to feel something other than numb? waiting to get hungry so I can get up then eat just to go back to sleep?

why do I wait?

why do I insist on waiting for something I will never have or for something other than what I have come accustomed to?

why is anxiety inevitable for me?

why isn't there no other reality where I can live without feeling every little thing to the core of me?

why am I subject to all of my emotions?

subject to all the love in my life and all of the dark?

why does it feel like everything is happening to me?

I know it's not. I am not that self-centered.

but although I make room for my anxiety and my waves of depression,

there's always more room to make. questions to ask. and things to expect.