lean in

hello beautiful people! I honestly hope all is well with you and yours. leaning in has been a reoccurring theme for me every time I walk the dog, drive around or have negative feelings or memories come up. I can be minding my own business and something awkward I said in high school will replay in my head or something I didn't say that I definitely should have will haunt me. I am faced with obsessively thinking about it, ignoring it completely or maybe just maybe finding a healthy balance between the two. The balance is known as leaning in. It's not bulldozing over feelings nor is it letting my temporary feelings and situation consume me. It's simply about being curious.

I am curious as to why this still bothers me. I am curious as to why someone isn't as excited to text me as I am to text them. I am curious about why I think of myself this way. Why I see my situation this way and maybe why I view people in my life a certain way.

I am taking a minute to step out of myself and away from my ego to ask why. Not why is this happening to me? Or why is everyone against me? Or why is nothing working for me? But remaining neutral. It's focusing within my locus of control to find a productive solution. Why do I feel this way? When do I feel this way? What would help me move away from this negative sentiment? Is this something I can repair or is it something I should let go of?

Leaning into the negative and limiting thoughts and memories I get wrapped up in, helps me acknowledge it before moving on to more important things.

Pain, heartbreak and loss require to be felt but to a certain extent. The painful period pains that I'm in as I write this is a perfect opportunity to be aware of what I am going through and working to find a perfect middle where I am not resentful, angry or reactive during this time nor am I faking to be happy and grateful, but being present with whatever comes up.

Having to let go of a friend or having to be let go of is also something I have to lean into, forgive and move on from a neutral standpoint in order to heal.

Finally, the term leaning in comes up the most when I think about my loved one that recently passed. We have his picture in our dining room surrounded with candles and quotes where his hospital bed used to be, we have his belongings in our storage room, an empty chair where he used to sit, a number on our phone that we can't call and family dinners that he can never join. This hurts and I am aware of the hole it has left in our family every day. Somedays I give in and sit by the shrine and other days I walk past it head down. The goal is leaning into the memory. Not letting it consume me but being aware that this what is coming up for me. Maybe this is his way of saying hi and I should honor that memory by giving it attention...

anyways, these things hurt but I want to be able to reminisce all the positive even if that includes the negative. I can't honor our friendship or be grateful for our relationship if I exhaust so much energy blocking out the negative. This would be denying myself the whole experience. You can't cut off pain, suffering, shame and the ugliness of an experience without cutting out what made the experience everything that it was. By leaning in and choosing to be vulnerable, I get to fully accept the experiences that make up my life and losses by accepting the yin and yang that make up my life. This my friends, is what I call wholehearted living (jk Brene Brown said that).

sending you the strength to be vulnerable, xo