nothing really bothers me
It was about 8am and I was getting my siblings ready for school. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and watched as my brother brushed his teeth. I was not tired nor was I fully awake, I was just there somehow. Time moved slowly and he wasn't even two minutes into his brushing regimen before our morning routine to a drastic turn. My chest clenched up like I had a cough I couldn't quite let out, my head felt like it weighted twenty pounds and the room seemed to get smaller and smaller as my vision dimmed. Before I knew it I had somehow managed to go from calmly sitting on the bathtub of THEIR bathroom to lying on MY bathroom floor, hyperventilating. The hows concerning how I got there are still a mystery to me because my vision was probably equivalent to looking through two straws. If I didn't have someone to tell me to "breathe" I wouldn't of realized that I was in fact having a panic attack, probably the worse one yet. I wiped my face, hurled for awhile (tmi) and finally got up. And that was that. Nothing really happened that morning to trigger it, but responsibilities and fears teamed up to make this sneaky monster.
I have come to accept "that nothing really bothers me". That nothing can really rain on my parade more then it's already trashed. The past week has taken it's toll on me; from losing my bus pass which I literally need to get from point a to b, my Macbook refusing to turn on in the midst of writing papers, not necessarily being on the best terms with my parents, sleeping through my alarm and missing exam review material and "the bathroom floor" incident are just an overview of everything that has happened between last Monday up until now. I had honestly had enough and by the middle of the week my internal mantra was "everything is working against me". This was all enough to make anyone want to complain, cry and stay in bed, which for once I didn't do following the traumatic week I had. I carried out as usual and coined the new found term (that is "nothing really bothers me"), not in denial or as some sense of false resilience, but because I had it up to here (well you can't exactly see where I'm pointing but you get the gist). Instead I wanted to try and approach life with a big "so, what?" or "is all you got?" or a singsong "you can't get me".
Depending on the company you keep, you may have heard an Aunty say in defeat "how the devil is really testing her these days". This is precisely how I chose to look at the passing week. It was as if my week wanted to see me upset, wanted to see me complain, sleeping-in when I should really be elsewhere and I wasn't going to give it that satisfaction. I was not going to fail this test of patience but instead use everything I've been babbling on about on this blog and apply it. In that same hour, I had complied a list of things to do to get my freakin life together! From the monstrous pile of clothes, books and chargers on my floor, to unanswered emails and tackling the uncombed hair under my beanie, I had a ton of stuff to take care of within my locus of control. But first, to nap away the anxiety.
Here's the list, if you wanted to peak...
put things back where they belong by cleaning up
bring out the positive affirmations
add lavender to sleeping mask
sleep as long as you need to
wash sheets and pillowcases
plan by the hour
create an efficient and balanced morning and evening routine around studying and other responsibilities (ie. going for a walk, stepping away from the computer, no coffee/one cup a day, bed at/up at...)
keeping counting down the days
look and really look for the beauty/difference in each day
pack food for the library and dress comfortably
browse your Pinterest board or do a brain dump before studying
idk why but listen to music through your headphones instead of speakers, it makes a world of a difference
Watch "kids" movies- anything about overcoming obstacles, following dreams and being resilient. I'm well aware of how lame this might sounds, but it works! Big Hero 6, Coco, Kung Fu Panda, Frozen, Tangled and Mulan, are some of my favorite "healing" films, just to name a few.
wake up early in order to take advantage of all the hours of the day (and not feel pressed for time)
know that this too shall pass time
everytime something crappy happens; just say "nothing really bothers me", don't take it too seriously and then move on
take a matcha break
spend one hour doing what you want to do
study around people or somewhere different each session
When everything around me was following a pattern of not working out and when things went from bad to a hell of a lot worse, I decided to look at everything as a test of patience and refused to let unfortunate events bother me (so much). I chose to not give my responsibilities the satisfaction of seeing me upset, stressed, unproductive and overslept. Viewing everything through "nothing really bothers me" with shoulders shrugged, is the new mantra that helps me not give into things I can't change and deal with the ones I can.
"The cold doesn't bother me anyways"
-Elsa, Frozen
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