4th year
This post was written in the midst of one of my melodramatic existential crisis. I was not going to post this, in fact I had written it only to keep it to myself. It is inevitably depressing, longgg, honest and true. It is everything and anything I've been feeling since the beginning of 4th year. 4th year didn't really go my way and I wanted to simply write it all down before moving on with my life. Although I have spoken about talking more about anxiety on my blog, this post leans more towards depression and is something I rarely deal with myself. I feel awful to not be able to give solutions if you are dealing with something similiar. So if this post is a trigger than I suggest reading any other post under #anxiety, #mentalhealth or #fear. This is a stream of consciousness, an endless flow of personal feelings, thoughts and realizations. Please do not judge, do not compare, do not downplay my truth. Thank you!
When I was younger I wanted to be a princess. To balance books on my head, wear crowns and dresses and be kind to people. When I was about 10 I wanted to be a firefighter...to which my mom flatout refused. When I was 13 I was convinced I was meant to be a teacher because I liked writing on boards. 15 I thought I should be a therapist (because I wouldn’t have to do that much talking) or a forensic psychologist (but that must of been all the Criminal Minds episodes talking). 17 I was all set and ready to apply for Nursing like my mother. And then it was midwifery for a split second then neither at all. I ended up applying to a couple schools (UofT and York) for psychology but took a place at McMaster for Social Science. I’m currently majoring in Health and Society (formely known as Health Studies).
2019 is my fourth year but not my final year. I’m staying put a little longer to do a Specialization in Mental Health and Addiction and to maybe complete a second minor if I have the time. The idea of not graduating this year surprisingly didn’t bother me at all till it did. I knew it was fine, I knew it gave me a little more time to get things straight, to go to homecoming because I just never went.I believed it was fine that it wasn’t the end of the world. Until I had to tell people enough times why I wasn’t graduating this year. Till everyone else started talked dresses, photos and “next years”. Next year this and next year that. A year promised with travelling, boyfriend getaways, making money at their parents firm and not being here. Not being left behind. Not being stuck. I have made endless pros and cons spreadsheets and list of reasons why am I exactly where I’m meant to be. But I find myself trying to convince myself that I’m not being left behind, that I’m not clueless and that I’m not ruining my life!
I constantly get in my own way. And I’m not talking about I ruined everything by not graduating, but I kinda ruined things because of how I viewed other people viewing me not graduating. I was fine till I started purposely avoiding people on campus. I told myself I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to people on my way to class. Then it would happen more and more often. I would pretend I didn’t see a familiar face, look down and keep walking. I avoided the library, the gym and just started going to class and straight back home. Things got less better when I would avoid class...then dropped half my class load and barely went to the one’s I had left. It was irresponsible but out of my control. I mean it when I say out of my control! Every morning felt like I didn’t have a choice but to sit there and let the hours pass. I wanted to be alone with the things I loved and not be bothered. To sleep, write, eat some avocado toast, attempt to cry it out, try to do better tomorrow and not do better tomorrow. Trust me when I say I didn’t want to run my academic life into the ground, but I just truly wanted some peace and quiet. I wanted to not be panicky about this and just sleep...alot. I wanted to not think so much, to not stress so much and to not talk. To not talk at all. To avoid company, even the company I had kept from the beginning of my undergrad and others from the beginning of my life...
I knew pretty early on in the semester that my anxiety was bad again. That it was "grade 12" bad. I booked an appointment with a councillor just to not go. I booked a second appointment about a month later and completely forgot till hours later. I didn’t cancel or reschedule my appointments (so that’s a start) but I didn’t show up. Only a few people know about all the details and I want to keep it like so (even though I’m posting this on my blog). I still want privacy and space. To not be crowded, monitored or bothered. My family also added to the tension with talks about relocating to places hours and hours from home. Places that would move them closer to the Michigan border and further from anything familiar. I’m a big girl, if they moved I would stay and do my own thing and if they left I would be alone. Again, almost no one knows this, because moving like the "councillor situation" and the "graduation anxiety" are all difficult pills that I choose to swallow.
I took a break from a lot of things without even thinking about it. By accident even. I took a break from yoga, going to the gym, talking and posting (in a timely fashion). Things that made me happy were just not cutting it anymore. I didn’t feel like doing them. Not even in a desperate attempt to spark happiness. I didn’t want to try. And other times that’s all I did. “Self-care” was all I did in an attempt to keep anxiety at shore and myself calm even though I grew less and less productive. I was trying to take care of myself but it didn’t feel “caring” as much as it did forceful, fake and just plain sad. Being happy took more effort now. I had to think about it. I had to plan it out. I had to reason with happiness on why we would make great friends...why I wasn’t always bad company. I had to make it want to stay cause I was tired of forcing and begging it. I tried to go back to my 3rd year routine. "3rd year was a good year", I thought, so let’s try that. Let’s run those same paths, study in the same spots, order the same drinks and wake up at 9:30am when my room is happy and full of sun and just start the day like we used to. Let’s try to copy paste a sense of goodness.
That would have defintely worked if it were possible to trick oneself. To do one sneaky act unconsciously without the conscious brain catching up to you.
I have only had one panic attack this year, it was really bad though. Like I was having a heart attack. Well it always feels like a heart attack but that one felt like an actual heart attack. That reminds me I have to pick up my iron prescription. I’m anemic I haven’t mentioned it on here have I? Yeah tiredness, dizziness, painful periods are a result of red blood cells unable to circulate oxygen reguarly. This causes or will eventually cause my heart to have to work harder then it has to, but I don’t like to think of that for too long. I might have to get surgery to stop my periods and conserve iron levels, but I don’t like to think about that either.
I don’t go to church reguarly anymore. I meditate when I can but I don’t really pray. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel grounded but I can’t bring myself to do it. Like I can’t bring myself to do anything.
I spend too much money on manicures by the way. I slept 10+ hours and feel tired with less than that. My midnight snacks are far away from being “snacks” and a little later than midnight. I stopped eating grilled cheese at 2am which is spectacular, but best believe I’m always eating something else. I went on two dates in the last couple months. I felt nothing, not bad but not good, just nothing. I kept thinking about someone else who doesn’t think about me.
I saw him by the way. Like the ⅓ guy who the sexual assault post was about. It was weird I avoided him till I couldn’t and we talked (I mean he talked) like no time went by. He has a way of talking that makes you feel crazy. Like it was all in your head. Like he didn’t do anything.
I wish I was seventeen. I don’t know why I just do. Oh I did this guided meditation/hypnosis thing last semester and when asked my age, I said with full confidence “Seventeen!”. I’m 21 and still confused about that answer...
I’m not exactly sure what I want to do with my life. I tell people I don’t know because I don’t feel like explaining. Of course I have some clue but most people wouldn’t get it, wouldn’t be able to see it. So I keep to myself.
I learned that you have to do what you love more then you like breathing and focus all your energies on that. It sounds loosy goosy to some to “follow your heart” and crap, but one thing I learned by spending a summer in a cubicle is that I never want to spend my life in a cubicle filing papers I could honestly care less about. I don’t want to rush my next steps like I did when applying to my program... Just wanting to do whatever and have something going on. I would rather stop and think then just jump into a Masters and a PhD in a program I kind of like.
I like to write, I love to share (on good days), to cook, to post, to walk, to yoga, to dance, to heal. I like medicine, I miss sciences. I value individuality, creativity, authenticity, simplicity and honesty. Some of these things can make you money others are considered hobbies. I don’t know sometimes it just feels like I’m trying to make up a job title. But my parents have faith in me to choose wisely and freely and I have faith in God that I can have both the desires of my heart and wealth. That I don’t have to compromise with being miserable.
It’s the end of the semester now. And the end of this very long post. This is a stream of consciouness of everything that’s kinda been circling in my mind nonstop since september. I have said that school and anxiety kinda team up in attempt to ruin my life, but i’m starting to realize it’s more graduation (and post-graduations) than school itself. Well I can’t help it, this determines the course of my life, my wellbeing, my life expectancy, my mental health, my family, my non existent children...need I go on??? I just want to be successful, happy and sane all at the same time. Is that too much to ask?? I’m smart, I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m smart. But anxiety clouds my judgement, my decisions, my spending, my sleeping, my eating, my sense of direction and my grades. The messiness of this all got the best of me causing me to spoil my fourth year. I’m trying to be positive still. I’m trying to finish my two classes on the right foot (or on a foot), get someone to keep me accountable on my goals, have someone drive me to my councillors office, take my iron, sleep, cry, move on and move away from feeling like I’m ruining my life.