sniffles + seasonal depression
I have found myself a couple times in the last two weeks couped up in my room. At first it's because of cramps, or "sniffles" or because the lecture recordings are online or because it's snowing in early november and I can't find any of my winter boots! But after a couple days of this I had to face the fact that I would just rather not go outside. So I didn't. I watched the snow fall and people leave and return to their homes from my window and I told myself that I would just work on my assignments from home. I didn't.
It's cold and busy outside. The noise and the hustle is at all time high at this time of the year. And it is soooo easy to let the rug of stability, confidence, direction, groundedness and overall sense of purpose be ripped out right from underneath you. You find yourself on your rear on the cold hard floor and decide that "if anyone's looking for me i'll be here on the lowest of lows not giving a f*ck". You decide that hibernating is the way to go and that things will look up after the holidays are over and that you will magically get it together when the new year's comes along...
November is my least favorite month because of this mental drain. I try to force a smile because 1) it's my bestfriend's birthday, 2) November is a stepping stone to december and Christmas break and 3) There is no way around it! November and the exams and papers that come along with it, will never not happen. And you would think this would make me buckle up for the ride and get it done, but I don't. I get overwhelmed and mentally shut down. I wish that I was of those stressed and depressed workaholic types instead of the stressed and depressed over-eater and over-sleeper that I am. I know one isn't better than the other but I would prefer to get to the end of a long week with everything checked off my to-do list and graduation checklist, is that so bad to say?
That I would rather be a productive and sad then unproductive and sad?
I can't give any tips on beating the winter blues because I don't have any, I just take everyday as it is. Understanding and staying aware of the inevitable behaviors that get me from pumped-september-student to GOD-PLEASE-HELP-ME november mess of a student. To be aware of when I harmlessly skip once or have a 10pm snack then a midnight one followed by a 2am buffet. When I put my phone away, then pick it up again and then back down again and continue to do this all night instead of sleeping.
I distract myself and I know that. I am very aware that I am the type of person that will dive into all the wrong things at all the wrong times.
Like with this blog post, I probably should be writing one of my 4 papers or studying for my exam or prepping for one of my 2 presentations.
But I'm going to allow this necessary distraction to clear my mind and to be honest with myself of where I really am in this season. I don't avoid the inevitable sadness and doubt that comes with the wave of assignments and dark evenings, but I try to stay aware of how I'm reacting or not reacting to what's going around me and staying grounded in truth.
What is true and what is fabricated. For example, doing bad on an assignment is true (it's something that happened) and what is fabricated is "I'm never going to get my average back up", "there goes grad school" or "it doesn't matter if I try harder I will never get it right".
It's staying the course and not letting my mind go up, up and away and get the best of me. It's not putting soo much pressure on university (which sounds odd) and not seeing it as the definitive factor that assures that my life goes smoothly and I don't end up homeless, but having fun with writing a paper and remembering why I wanted to enter this program and this area of study. Staying grounded in my "why" and deep purpose beyond university, other roles I have to fulfill and the "now".
Although I always remain grateful for post-secondary studies and the journey and confusion of it all (because the journey and self-discovery is wayy more stressful then the assignments themselves tbh), I have to remember to not put it on a pedestal. Not meaning I'm not going to try, but that I will choose to trust, be aware and stay the course!
sending you love and grace,